F I R E

D e a r D i a r y ,

Friday, January 28, 2011 ; 10:03 PMY

&where it STARTS

When you step into this world,

and you slowly see reality.

What do you do?

As I grew up,

to be exact, at the age of around 13,

I realise the best thing to do is to shut up.

So in every single family dinner/gathering,

whenever there are adults.

SHUT UP.

cause you might say something wrong.

the thing is if you shut up, you'd never say anything wrong.

Then the whole shit turns around and they think you're rude.

So, you have no choice but to talk.

But then you'd always risk yourself to saying something wrong.

So I've pretty much decided to please.

I'd do anything that pretty much pleases them,

if they want me to sing, I sing

if they ask me something I'd tell them the answer that they'd want to hear

if they insult me, I smile

Why is it only me who sing? Why is it only me who bother?

When the rest could be enjoying themselves

and I'd tell myself, "this is just one out of the 360days in a year"

As I grew up I try to look at the brighter side of things,

whenever I'm dragged into yet another fight and stressful night,

may I correct, nights, almost daily.

I get tired. Tired of crying, tired of trying to act like nothing happened on the dinner table the next day, tired..

I pretty much figured, that all these problems would eventually be resolved and everything always turns out fine. Even though you think they are not.

For now, let me summarise the things I've learnt.

1) on out of the 360 days in a year

2) shut up, shit , don't shut up you live to please others not yourself

3) get over it, (or rather don't bother) everything would be fine eventually

Over time, I get tired.

......

mmm as much as I don't want to.

I think I just turned on the auto please everyone switch somewhere in me,

and its pretty much spoiled cant really turn it off

unless I go into a short circuit out of rage.

yea.. then I'd shut down and explode

sorry, lemme rearrange. its usually explode then break down.

Don't know why I feel like writing this down totally irrelevant to anything or whatsoever

or maybe not, maybe whatever I just learned and lived on for years have just backfired.

Yup.. and I realise of everything I did, my action lacks sincerity.

.......

what do I do now?

can I try to be sincere?

but how could I be sincere when my head is telling to BE sincere?

then its just another act...

I think the only things I'm sincere about is the things I do for the people I love.

and I hate myself, for not being able to be sincere to those who come to me for advice.

(btw i suck at it.) I sincerely do, I HATE MYSELF so much when I do that.

I'd think I'm like a cold heartless fhakjdsfhsdakjhfsa crapo. (maybe I am)

but I'm not really at a position to conclude that. cause .. I'm me!?

sigh..

Btw, stop making yourself look pathetic you pathetic piece of shit.

look at your life, you got itouch.

welcome to the show.